What is an Enemy?
by milkquill
Summary: Redtail hasn't spoken to Longpaw since he was made a warrior. What Longpaw said, what he did, cannot be forgiven. StarClan, Redtail can't even think of the apprentice without being engulfed in fury and distress. On a hunting patrol together, tensions are sure to boil over. Trigger warning: transphobia. Cover image by Ulf Bodin on Flickr.


"Redtail, you can lead this hunting patrol. Take with you Patchpelt, Goldenflower and," Bluefur paused, scanning the camp. "Darkstripe. And he can bring Longpaw with him" She added in the direction of the silver tabby, who stared back, ears pricked and whiskers forward.

A jolt of apprehension struck Redtail in the gut. He had managed to avoid this for moons, but such interactions were inevitable in a close knit clan. In a heartbeat of sheer panic, Redtail tried to think away out of the patrol. He had to make dirt. He sprained his paw. He was about to go hunting with Runningwind.

Goldenflower had already crossed camp to meet him, tail swishing slowly as she eyed him. Too late. Redtail could see Patchpelt nodding goodbye to a friend. And Darkstripe's head was hidden in the apprentice's den as he collected Longpaw. No escape. With difficulty, he conjured images of how the patrol could go. They could bring back mountains of prey… Sunstar would be impressed. Maybe he could catch a squirrel. The sharp panic eased, leaving him with a cold knot of dread pulling at his stomach.

"Alright, are you ready? Let's go." Redtail's voice sounded high and foreign addressing the small clump of his clanmates. He spoke to a spot between Goldenflower and Darkstripe. He did not look at Longpaw.

And that was for the better. He much preferred not thinking about the gangly apprentice. Though they shared a den for a short time, it was enough for Redtail to be glad when he escaped to the warriors den.

I'm happy where I am now, he thought. I don't need Longpaw reminding the entire clan why I'm a disgrace.

He lead the small patrol out of the ravine and through the forest, making a conscious effort to keep his tail steady and hide his emotions. Only soft pawsteps followed behind him. No chatter. No boasting of catching prey or climbing trees. StarClan, now he would be known as the biggest bore in the forest. No.

Inhale.

Redtail would take a quiet patrol over a vulgar Longpaw any day.

Five moons ago, Redtail would have given anything for silence.

"Looks like Redpaw's getting a little round," Longpaw would say as they scuffled in the sandy hollow. "Could she be expecting kits already?"

"Look how she defends her prey," Longpaw would say as he swiped a claw at Redpaw's freshkill. "Just like a mother defending her kits."

Ignore him, logic had told Redtail. It's not funny. He'll see that soon. He'll see that soon. He'll see that soon.

Exhale.

Not now. It was time to focus.

"Alright, let's split up," he said, scanning the surrounding mossy forest. "There should be a fair amount of prey here along the creek- it'll be hard to hide ourselves though, so just Patchpelt and I will hunt here. Goldenflower, you can take the other side of the creek, in the brambles, if that's okay, and Darkstripe and Longpaw can hunt a few cat-lengths deeper in the forest, near the tree with the squirrel nest. Sound good?"

To Redtail's immense relief, his Clanmates murmured dull words of agreement, and drifted away in seperate directions. That's fine, he thought. They don't know how important that was. I don't _want_ them to know I can't be on the same patrol as one sorry apprentice.

Patchpelt held his mouth slightly open, taking in the scents around him, before marching firmly downstream. Redtail hurriedly sniffed the the wind. He didn't intend to make a fool of himself by forgetting to hunt.

The scent of shrew was undoubtedly stronger downstream. But following Patchpelt downstream would like stealing his catches, Redtail reasoned. Or perhaps his mind was making excuses for him to hunt alone. He knew he wouldn't be able to carry on a friendly conversation with his mind weighed down with thoughts of his apprentice-age nemesis.

The babble of the stream covered the sounds of his paws brushing the soft ground. It covered the sound of prey moving too, so Redtail pushed away from the creek. Crisp grass broke softly under his weight. There- a squeak! His ears swiveled toward the nearby roots of a far off tree. There sat a mouse, producing soft squeaks as it washed its face.

" _You're a molly, Redpaw. Look at yourself. You can't just change that!"_

His paws landed hard on the root, and the coarse wood beneath them indicated a failure. This was Longpaw's fault, Redtail thought. If he hadn't been thinking of him, he would have had the focus needed to make the catch. Longpaw's matter-of-fact tone still resonated in his ears.

The mouse had scampered towards the sheltering plants lining the river, so Redtail followed it wearily. Again, he located it trying to hide itself at the base of a stick-like plant. Another pounce, and this time he felt its warm body under his paws. He scrapped moist soil over its body in jerky movements.

Redtail could hear movement downstream, so he doubled back to follow the sounds. Then, from behind, pawsteps, loud-

Redtail spun around, and found himself staring bug-eyed at Longpaw, who was crouched over Redtail's unburied mouse.

"What in the name of StarClan are you doing?" Redtail snarled. Taken by surprise, every bit of venom he felt toward the apprentice was projected in his voice.

Longpaw's eyes darted back and forth, as if searching for a reason he had unearthed Redtail's prey. Finding none, he stared unblinkingly before responding softly, "I couldn't find anything, and I've seen Darkstripe do this so…" He trailed off into silence.

Redtail make a mental note to confront Darkstripe, but did not relent. "You're a useless apprentice who thinks he can skip into warriorhood by stealing and lying. Have you no respect? It doesn't matter who brings home the prey, there still isn't enough food for the Clan if you can't catch any. I'd've thought you were a kit fresh out of the nursery, you useless piece of dirt!"

The words left his mouth in a storm of anger that had nothing to do with the mouse. Too much, too much, his brain cried.

"I know more things than when I stepped out of the nursery," Longpaw responded in a stiff, unnatural voice. "I know now-" He paused. "I know now that you're a tom."

"You have no right to speak to me about that," Redtail hissed in a hoarse whisper, abandoning the pretense of the mouse. "You ruined everything. Can you even imagine how I felt? You -and you alone- made life hell for me."

"That's bull!" Longpaw said, tail thrashing, suddenly resentful. "A few comments, maybe three, when I first found out. Now tell me how a few rude words 'ruin everything!'" He lowered his voice. "Look, I know I was an ass. But don't try to make me feel bad by blaming all your problems on me."

"Is it so hard to fathom that your words felt worse than you intended? Can you imagine that this was hard for me, that everything I told myself was amplified times ten when you were the one who said it?" Was it only three comments, Redtail wondered to himself. He could hear the words over and over, he could see the scenes play out in front of him, but how many times did it happen?

They lapsed into silence. Redtail faced the creek, determinedly avoiding looking at Longpaw. Longpaw stared at his paws, ears flattened. The creek sang peacefully, unaware of the tension on its banks.

"I'm sorry," Longpaw said finally, a tinge of a whine in his voice.

"You're sorry that I'm mad at you. You're not sorry that you hurt me."

"I didn't mean-"

"I don't care how you meant it," Redtail said, though in a calmer voice than before.

They fell into another bout of quiet.

"Your sisters were really mad at me for saying that stuff," Longpaw said eventually. "And some of the apprentices gave me dirty looks. Spottedpaw lectured me every time I came into the medicine cat's den. And I… I met a ShadowClan apprentice at a Gathering. She was like you, she said… she was transgender.

"And we got along before she told me, and it would have been weird if I stopped liking her after she told me. And it made sense what she said, how she said she didn't like the gender she was assigned at birth. She told me some of her feelings. I thought about what you said, and I guess I realized you were real. I kind of thought you weren't serious at first, that you just felt like being called a tom, you know?"

"I don't know," Redtail responded frostily. "It seemed pretty clear to me, and everyone else who wasn't harassing me."

"But I changed!" cried Longpaw. "I learned, and I know what I said was gross, so why can't you just forgive me?"

"Sure, I forgive you."

"You don't, I can tell from you voice!"

It was true, and they both knew it. A torrent of emotions boiled inside of Redtail. For moons, Longpaw was the embodiment of Redtail's self loathing. He replayed the words Longpaw said in his mind until he felt sick with upset. So much of the negative feelings he felt about himself were tied to the apprentice. But you should forgive him, a voice in his mind reasoned. He wants to change. You can show him amazing what you are is.

No, no, another part of his mind argued. You hate him. That's just the way it is. He's the villain of your story.

"It's not that easy, Longpaw," he said resignedly. "You didn't just say a few things, you said them over and over in my head. You said what I hate about myself. I'm glad you- you don't hate me anymore, but that doesn't mean I can just look at you and not- not think about what you said. I can't just forgive you, it's woven too deep in me."

"Then what do you expect me to do?"

"Just," Redtail cast his mind. Moons ago, what could Longpaw have done to avoid all this? "Just treat me like a Clanmate, okay? Not a cat who's different, and needs some special treatment to make up for things. Just any other warrior.

"And you'd better not make jokes about trans people. They're not funny," he added as an afterthought.

"No, I have a friend! I would never-" Longpaw said hastily.

For a third time, silence enveloped the two of them. The creek bubbled happily as if to say "You did it! You spoke! You can feel better now!" Redtail's heartbeat slowed from an adrenaline-fueled throb. He gazed across the creek, detecting the sunny swish of Goldenflower's pelt. Mouse-dung. The hunt.

His eyes darted to the limp body of the mouse, forgotten at Longpaw's paws. Looks like he wasn't filling the fresh-kill pile single-pawed any time soon.

"Longpaw," he said abruptly. "I will be speaking to Darkstripe about your thievery. I'll also mention to Bluefur that your current training is inadequate. I expect that next patrol you'll be able to catch your own prey."

Longpaw nodded seriously. He looked rightfully abashed.

"I heard some prey moving a little ways upstream earlier, why don't you see what you can find there," Redtail continued. "StarClan bless a good hunt."

Longpaw nodded again, and scampered away.

Redtail didn't move, not yet. StarClan bless a good hunt, echoed his mind. Progress.

Longpaw didn't hate him. Progress.

Longpaw wanted to change. Progress.

He didn't hate Longpaw, not really. Progress.

Suddenly optimistic, Redtail stretched luxuriously, letting his tail stretch high over his back. He let his paws lead him away from the creek, and into the soothing depths of the forest. Deep greens welcomed him. Progress, sang the leafs. Snippets of the conversation played over and over in Redtail's mind. I forgive him, he concluded. I don't have to talk to him. I don't have to like him. But I don't have to spurn him for what he said as a kit.

Cats change.


End file.
